Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? A: TWO: One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all of the credit.
Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYONE: One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000
Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? A: All of them!
Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say "I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead",Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically,McCoy to say "They're dead, Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!",Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Dr. McCoy: Dammit Jim!! I'm a doctor not an farmer! Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain. Mr. Spock: Obviously, it was the logical thing to do. Mr. Data: Why is a barn yard fowl crossing a thoroughfare humorous? Mr. Worf: For the honor of all chickens. Counsilor Troi: I knew it was going to happen. I could sense it. Computer: Insufficient information.
The new ensign reported to sickbay for her physical. When stripped, Dr. McCoy nodded approvingly. "You look nice and trim." "Thanks," she answered. "I weigh one hundred pounds stripped for gym." McCoy shook his head. "That guy has all the luck!"
Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.
"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.
"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all tied up in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out...with his pants down!
Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe! NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!"
A little boy finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie appears.
'What is your wish?'. The genie says. The kid all excited and happy wants to be his favorite superhero and replies... 'I wish to be Batman' 'Your wish is my command!'
Two atoms are walking down the street and one of them says, "Oh my goodness! I've just lost an electron!" The other atom asks, "Are you sure?" And the first atom responds, "I'm positive."
A mushroom walks into a bar and says, "May I have a beer, please?" The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here." So the mushroom asks, "Why not?! I'm a fungi!"
Kyle, I'd worry more if you DID get mine. It was a nonsense joke my friends and I used to tell each other when we were growing up. Two of us I know grew up nerds...I think the other two probably went on to lead normal, productive lives. Poor bastards. :)
Ahhh... now it makes sense. I've know my share of those, but with the topic of "nerd jokes," I thought there was something nerdy in that one that I completely missed.
I think there's some cross over between nerds and surrealists jokes.
A little boy finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie appears.
'What is your wish?'. The genie says. The kid all excited and happy wants to be his favorite superhero and replies... 'I wish to be Batman' 'Your wish is my command!'
So, the genie killed both his parents.
Sing along if you know this one.
Guy walks into a bar and puts a shoebox on the counter. Barman gives him a drink and then in his best Brad Pitt voice says "What's in the box?"
The guy opens the box. Out steps a little man about a foot high wearing white tie and tails, there's also a correspondingly small piano which the minute musician sits down at and starts to play a Rachmaninov concerto beautifully.
Barman is amazed, and says "How on earth do you have something like that?"
The guy sighs, and says "Well, I met this Genie who was a little hard of hearing ...."
A little boy finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie appears.
'What is your wish?'. The genie says. The kid all excited and happy wants to be his favorite superhero and replies... 'I wish to be Batman' 'Your wish is my command!'
So, the genie killed both his parents.
Sing along if you know this one.
Guy walks into a bar and puts a shoebox on the counter. Barman gives him a drink and then in his best Brad Pitt voice says "What's in the box?"
The guy opens the box. Out steps a little man about a foot high wearing white tie and tails, there's also a correspondingly small piano which the minute musician sits down at and starts to play a Rachmaninov concerto beautifully.
Barman is amazed, and says "How on earth do you have something like that?"
The guy sighs, and says "Well, I met this Genie who was a little hard of hearing ...."
HA!
That took me a minute.
How much you wanna bet that whoever clicked "dislike" just didn't get the joke? ;)
@kylemoyer You're 100% right I did not get it and I read it five times. If anyone wants to explain it I may be willing to remove the dislike if I actually find it funny.
Is the punchline relying on the minute musician part of the set up or does it have something to do with Rachmaninoff? I truly do not understand this one and it's racking my brain.
Ok, apologies. :-/ I didn't finish the joke because I assumed (incorrectly) that it was one of those universal standards that everyone knew.
It's not a nerd joke but I was prompted by @FlintLockjaw's joke about a Genie and being careful what you wish for.
So here, rather laboriously, is the punchline:
"The guy sighs, and says "Well, I met this Genie who said I could have just one wish for anything I wanted. Only he must have been hard of hearing because he gave me a 12 inch Pianist!" "
So a rhino is chasing a rabbit around in the desert and they stumble across a genie lamp. The genie tells them that he cant split the third wish so they each get one. The genie looks to the rabbit and asks him "What will your wish be?" The rabbit thinks for a moment and asks if he can save it for later so the genie turns to the rhino and asks "Then what will your wish be?" The rhino without hesitation replies "I wish that every other rhino in the world except for me to be a female. The genie says "Your wish is my command." The rabbits starts laughing and the genie turns to him again. The rabbit says with a grin "I wish the rhino was gay."
Ha! For the above photo, Imageshack was acting wonky so I just googled it and found it somewhere else to direct link from. On that same page that I found it at, I also found this graphic just for Murd (even though I'll be honest and I don't entirely get it)
Ok, apologies. :-/ I didn't finish the joke because I assumed (incorrectly) that it was one of those universal standards that everyone knew.
It's not a nerd joke but I was prompted by @FlintLockjaw's joke about a Genie and being careful what you wish for.
So here, rather laboriously, is the punchline:
"The guy sighs, and says "Well, I met this Genie who said I could have just one wish for anything I wanted. Only he must have been hard of hearing because he gave me a 12 inch Pianist!" "
Bah-dum, tish.
Thanks. I think there was something in the set up that made me not get it. Maybe if I heard it I prob would have gotten it.
How much you wanna bet that whoever clicked "dislike" just didn't get the joke? ;)
Or maybe they have a much smaller musician and were offended.
No, I came to terms with my small musician years ago.
Ha! For the above photo, Imageshack was acting wonky so I just googled it and found it somewhere else to direct link from. On that same page that I found it at, I also found this graphic just for Murd (even though I'll be honest and I don't entirely get it)
Answers
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: TWO: One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all of the credit.
Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYONE: One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000
Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them!
Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say "I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead",Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically,McCoy to say "They're dead, Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!",Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
-------------------------------------------------
Why did the chicken cross the road?
James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Dr. McCoy: Dammit Jim!! I'm a doctor not an farmer!
Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain.
Mr. Spock: Obviously, it was the logical thing to do.
Mr. Data: Why is a barn yard fowl crossing a thoroughfare humorous?
Mr. Worf: For the honor of all chickens.
Counsilor Troi: I knew it was going to happen. I could sense it.
Computer: Insufficient information.
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McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes."
Kirk: "But you can't play them."
McCoy: "While I've got them, neither can he!"
--------------------------------------------------
The new ensign reported to sickbay for her physical.
When stripped, Dr. McCoy nodded approvingly. "You look nice and trim."
"Thanks," she answered. "I weigh one hundred pounds stripped for gym."
McCoy shook his head. "That guy has all the luck!"
--------------------------------------------------
Then there was the time Janice Rand complained that someone had cut a peephole into her cabin door.
Captain Kirk promised to look into it.
"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.
"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all tied up in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out...with his pants down!
Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe! NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!"
None. They like the dark.
----
Since 2 people didn't like my last dick joke maybe they will like this one.
My dick is so big it has its own Wheaties box.
I wish!
'What is your wish?'. The genie says.
The kid all excited and happy wants to be his favorite superhero and replies...
'I wish to be Batman'
'Your wish is my command!'
So, the genie killed both his parents.
Their personality.
Those who understand Binary ...
Guy walks into a bar and puts a shoebox on the counter.
Barman gives him a drink and then in his best Brad Pitt voice says "What's in the box?"
The guy opens the box. Out steps a little man about a foot high wearing white tie and tails, there's also a correspondingly small piano which the minute musician sits down at and starts to play a Rachmaninov concerto beautifully.
Barman is amazed, and says "How on earth do you have something like that?"
The guy sighs, and says "Well, I met this Genie who was a little hard of hearing ...."
That took me a minute.
How much you wanna bet that whoever clicked "dislike" just didn't get the joke? ;)
Is the punchline relying on the minute musician part of the set up or does it have something to do with Rachmaninoff? I truly do not understand this one and it's racking my brain.
I had the joke explained here but I deleted it and I think @Caliban should be the one to explain it because I don't want to ruin his joke.
I didn't finish the joke because I assumed (incorrectly) that it was one of those universal standards that everyone knew.
It's not a nerd joke but I was prompted by @FlintLockjaw's joke about a Genie and being careful what you wish for.
So here, rather laboriously, is the punchline:
"The guy sighs, and says "Well, I met this Genie who said I could have just one wish for anything I wanted. Only he must have been hard of hearing because he gave me a 12 inch Pianist!" "
Bah-dum, tish.
No, I came to terms with my small musician years ago.
Or, to put it in your terms:
"Oh, oh, it's magic, y'know?"